Pandemic Pandemonium Panda

friends only. and i don't often add friends.

it's really hard stay confident and not let people get to you when they're CONSTANTLY trying to bring you down.

i like to think that i'm funny and witty and silly and smart and someone that people enjoy being around. i like to think that while people may not always understand what i'm getting at or always get my stupid jokes, that they still see me as someone they like. all of these things i think i am, and yet if that's the case, why can't i get along with most people. why are most people rude to me? why do most people get sick of me after a while or even a couple minutes where they don't even have TIME to figure out i'm completely nuerotic and paranoid? does that show through or something? is it like, written all over my face? i don't think so! because i usually don't feel nervous talking to people. so what's the deal.

i feel like i'm really missing a big chunk of information.. well i know i am... like i've got all the resources but for whatever reason there's this big chunk that i'm not able to connect no matter how many times i go over it. i know what i have to do to make myself better. i'm completely conscious of what i eat when i'm eating it, i write down my calories, i know how many i'm supposed to eat per day/week, but then something just switches and i say "fuck it, i'm eating this" in the same respect i know i'm paranoid and uptight about some things. and i'm conscious of when i'm just being exactly that. and yet i still say "well this time i'm just going to let myself be upset about this" and then those "well this times" and "fuck its" are added up at the end of the week and i realize that it's not just a once in a while thing, but it's practically always. and I realize that as i go along so it doesn't catch me by surprise... it's more of a "fuck it this is just how i'm going to be" and it pisses me off because i want to turn that switch off.

i'm told that to change i need to accept myself as i am already, and then i look in the mirror and i do start to become ok with my body, i actually like it, because i can see past what's there and get the general idea for myself. and then i just don't care. and then i get fatter. when will this end? i'm so good throughout the day and then like... midday everything goes to shit.


i don't feel good about myself... it just changes from i do to i don't constantly.


i basically lost an entire group of friends when catherine basically blindsided me with this ... ridiculous fight we had.... she just turned into a completely different person and basically used all my trust for her against me. so now i'm back to just... the few various individual friends that i see randomly from time to time... as much as i thought groups of friends didn't matter.... it was really nice to have one.


i'm just not happy. as usual i'm lonely, as usual, i'm just not attractive enough for any decent guy to want.

as usual, i'm a very prideful person.


if i don't wrap this up now, i'm going to be late for class...

bye.

i'm such a fucking cow.


anything i think to say about it though is halted by an "emily, this is your fault." so FUCK! lose some fucking weight emily. then you'll maybe be good enough for some semi decent people to find you an attractive mate.

YOU ARE A FUCKING COW EMILY.

so fucking gross and ugly. and you're not going to do anything about it. so why don't you just fucking off yourself and save the rest of the world the trouble of having to fucking look at you and acknowledge your heinous existance.